Parents do their best to instill in us how to be good people, fully equipped with a spot-on moral compass and impecable integrity. When we pass on into our schooling years we are trained to follow instructions, how to memorize, and the beloved phrase "STOP! and think!" was drilled into our heads. As we grow older, we realize that these are simply guidlines we were set up to follow from infancy. Whether we follow them accordingly isn't really an issue. It's an implied standard.
Today, I have been a good person. Well, according to my exterior I have.
My boyfriend and I had been planning on attending this BBQ our friend was throwing- a couple beers, some steaks...sounded like a good time so we said yes. Today, A. texts me informing me that he wouldn't be going-he wanted to go out and get trashed with a couple of co-workers. And I know you're thinking to yourself, "oh poor you *insert sarcastic eye roll here* suck it up" and I completely understand. I would probably say the same thing to me. But what upsets me more than anything is that now I am a gimp again- crutches, badanges around my foot, limited mobility and anitbotics being pumped through my chest via wires. When A. came to see me during my hospitalization, you could tell it really upset him to be there.
Thinking nothing of it, here we are a day after my discharge and he would rather be out drinking. I think I've pinpointed the reason why- I, Grace the invalid, am no fun.
When A. didn't invite me to drink with his buddies, like he usually would, it suddenly hit me that he can't forget about work when he feels he needs to keep me happy. Keep me from feeling sorry for myself, cheering me up, etc. He needs a chance to forget his worries and he can't do that with me there...not like this.
In the hospital, don't get me wrong, I WASN'T any fun. I was depressed I was there AGAIN. Tied up from being social and healthy. I hated it. A. tried to comfort me, "You'll be out soon," "You'll be ok," yada yada yada. It just made me feel more helpless.
I understand where he is coming from without him having to say it-he's too sweet to say it outright. So, as an attempt to be a good girlfriend and person, I told him to have fun. On the inside, I hate that I'm alone tonight. Sacrifice or lack of lady balls?
Neither. He works hard and deserves fun. I just hate that I can't give him that right now...
So- the key to being a good person? Apparently today it consists of more bottled feelings and forced smiles
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