Day Nine- R.I.P

I am sick and tired of all your bullshit! Yes! America, I am talking to you! It has gone on long enough and frankly I feel the relationship died long before this, so if you look at it this way, I'm doing us a favor. There's just nothing left between us anymore (besides my annual PFD check).

But seriously, I am fed up with America. The cooperate business structure based on failing capitalism, president's set up to fail (thanks Congress), budget cuts, embezzlements, health care and racism...I could go on and on about all things (America )I hate but when it comes down to it, almost ANYWHERE is better than here.

If you're white and you're reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Oh it's not that bad." I have some news for you. The American dream is dead and so is almost any chance we had at a decent future as a country. Our divided political powers are so preoccupied with matters that should have been closed ages ago, that they don't notice the corruption happening under their noses.

America is racist
America is facist
America claims monogamy
Promotes polygamy

Don't be deceived
Don't be pulled in
This country, tossed out
Garbage bin

As a close to my rant I ask you, the younger generation of America, to get involved in your country's affairs. Everyone else is screwing it up, but instead of just pointing fingers, let me use this as a wake up call to remind you that we are next on the chopping block. If we mess this up, we are no better than our current heads of state.

Otherwise, it's R.I.P. America

Day Eight- First Impressions

I am thankful that first impressions aren't always right. For instance, a new girl has recently joined the office forces of the reservation agent flank.

We'll call her S. S. and I went to high school together and although we never inhabited the same social circles, one was aware of the existence of the other. She hung out with the typical preps: always holding a coffee, American Eagle attire, that brown-slightly-tinged-orange skin, messy buns and manicured nails. I hung out with the drama/music geeks: always humming, over-expressive, loud and goofy. Needless to say, our circles rarely mixed. Pictures of her in her senior slide show outnumbered my pictures 10-1. So, what does any popular-but-not-popular-enough-to-really-matter girl do in that situation? Naturally, I grew to hate S. Guilty by association, that's what I said.

A couple years have passed and S. has crossed my path again. She was recently hired by the company that I work for and she was set to work along side me. I was hesitant at first, whether or not I could like her. After all, it was her group who exiled me to a life of slightly-less-than-popular. 'High school is in the past' I had to remind myself. With strained maturity, I began to talk to her. Her warm smile and easy going attitude were a complete surprise to me and when she asked me to hang out outside of work, my jaw nearly dropped.

High school is a fleeting blip in our lives, when examined with a realistic perspective. But for something that doesn't last, and something that really shouldn't matter to anyone, it never really ends. There is always that voice in the back of your head, feeding you everything self-conscience and negative. The social food chain is always there to remind us that no matter how we try to deny it, we will always have a sweaty-palmed teen inside of us. But in this situation, I saw S.'s relationship with me as progressive. Maybe they weren't all bad.

I am not the best human being. Maybe not even one of the better one's. And that's fine with me. But the fact that I was able to change my mind about someone I had once hated, increases the faith I have in myself as an individual. Just goes to show you, you don't always know as much as you think you do.

Day Seven: 4.20

Yes, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, stoners of all ages, tomorrow comes the long awaited 4.20!

One day a year, American's unite to celebrate a common past time. Marijuana has been around since god knows when, but was brought to America for recreational use by Mexicans, who transported it across the boarder and into our lifestyles. Half of the memorable music we listen to is made by musicians under the influence. People are constantly coming up with excuses for substance abuse and to that I say: God bless America!

Medicinal purposes, relxation, remembering, forgetting, creative outlets, musical inspiration, peer pressure: there are so many reasons why people do it but the base reason is always the same: it's fun.

When asked which people preferred more, Californian residents claimed to enjoy marijuana more than they did alcohol. They said that while alcohol is fun occasionally, you lose more control of your inhabitions and it causes trouble, illness or addiction more often than not. When stoned, you're inhabitions are still lost to you occasionally, but you become to complacent to do anything about it.

Tomorrow, I wish you a happy 4.20 whether you smoke or not. Be happy, be merry, and remember that crack kills. Not pot :)

Day Six- Potential

When I went back to my old high school, I was approached by a younger classman of mine and he said "Oh it's so good to see someone who's gradutated doing so well for themselves!" I tried to suppress a smile because in Seward, it's hard not to see someone as "doing well". In my mind, I was doing anything but. My classes were dull, my grades were average, and my job at the time payed no where near what it should. I'm sure if someone were to see me now, they would say the same thing and yet I can't bring myself to agree with that.

I am not going to school as my parents hoped I would. I am not traveling, as I hoped I would. Disappointments to myself as well as my parents. Don't get me wrong, I am not doing too bad for myself. Reservation agent jobs pay more than people give them credit for and I am in the process of getting a book published. The best man I know is in love with me, and I with him. Plus, an airy two bedroom apartment with a fireplace and appliances for less than 500 a month is nothing short of ideal for a girl my age.

If I could be anywhere else in the world right now, I would be hitchiking the country roads of Ireland, selling my writings and poetry along the way for bread money. Drinking a Guiness with some washed up Irish sailors. Or maybe I'd find myself in Notre Dam, getting lost in the architecture and catacombs. I might raise some hell with the rebels in Egypt. But instead, I am in an office, left to dream of where I could be.

So, dear reader (whoever you are), remember the dreams you once had and incooperate them into the dreams you have conjured up lately. See if you can find a happy medium so you can meet your personal potential as a human being in general.

Day Five- Ruh Oh

Rosie was only 17 years old when she died due to lethal injection. She was so full of life and energy. She lit up a room whenever she pranced through it. Her personality endeared her to all and even in her last few moments, she forgave those who injected her because her nature wouldn't have allowed otherwise. There was no one more loyal, more comforting and more willing to love.

Rosie is...was...my family dog of 17 years and while young in our years, dog years allowed her at least 119 years.

I was at work when I found out the news. My mother had dutifully sent me an email as she does when any family event takes place. Granted, she had given me plenty of warning. I hadn't seen her more than a week ago when she told me that they had decided to put her down. In her old age, Rosie had developed arthrytis, loss of hearing and nearly the loss of her sight. She stumbled around the house aimlessly and hardly ate. I suppose it was the most humane choice. But even though it wasn't done by me personally, I can't find myself willing to come to terms with killing my own dog.

RIP Rosie. You will be missed

Day Four- Conflicted

Any average American female is conflicted with thoughts of the future. These women could either become wonderful mothers, taking kids to soccer games, attending PTA meetings and rearing the population of tomorrow. Or...they could become fearless business women, schrewd and successful. Or at least those are the only two options we give ourselves.

For some time now, I have contemplated my future and where it would go. I settled on the idea of becomming a writer, traveling the world and living life to no ryhme or reason. But, as most plans go, they were altered almost as quickly as they were made. About a year ago, a wonderful man came into my life. I never thought I would have to share my future, but I've found that I don't really mind so much. In fact, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with A. And while he is always in my day dreams of the future, the dreams tend to change.

In my first dream, we live in a house, out in the middle of the woods. In the back yard we have a coop for A.'s chickens (yes he wants chickens lol), a beautiful kitchen for me, and a separate room nestled in the back of the house serving as my studio. I'm a writer that works from home and A. lives the life of a specialized

entrepreneur. Possibly a few kids running around. Money never seems important and although we may be poor as church mice, we are perfectly content. And as we get old, we'd sit on the porch drinking ice tea, watching the sun go down.

Another dream I have is considerably different. No kids. No house in the woods. Imagine, if you would, a large, modern apartment. The ceiling is high and every room has a large glass window, allowing natural light to pour in during the day. I have a black desk, sleek and professional. Glasses are perched on the end of my nose as I peer down at my latest manuscript and a free lance article I have just written for Vogue. My passport is full of the places I have traveled with A.: England, Germany, Spain, Fiji, Egypt, India, and Russia. Trophy's of our travels hang up in the living room including a Russian fur hat A. has had since his bachelor pad days. A. has his study on the opposite side of the house. Bookshelves lined with history books and his Canadian hockey player head perched on a mantle piece. His computer is always undergoing changes as he picks it apart and puts it back together again. Money is never an issue and we are able to retire early.

Both of these dreams can be subjected to different variations but the core dream is always the same. Life may not decide to give me either dream. And as cheesy as it sounds, as long as I am facing the world with my man by my side, I'm not afraid of the uncertainty which is my future.